Befriending as a Daily Practice: Strategies for Deep Human Connection
What if the most important friendship is the one you have with yourself?
My daughters were about six and eight when we took a summer trip to upstate New York to visit their aunt. It was a hazy Fourth of July weekend, and the countryside was dotted with red, white, and blue flags—fluttering like wildflowers along main streets and front lawns. But no people could be seen. We stopped at a pancake place and were the only customers. It all felt a little dystopian.
Relief came at a nearby flea market, and later at a traveling carnival with rickety rides propped up in a parking lot. We parked our dusty Honda Odyssey among pickup trucks and Harleys and waited for the sun to set. It reminded me of childhood trips with my sister and dad in his tangerine Volkswagen bus with the pop-up roof—our beloved "Orange Martini." But this time, my daughters scrambled onto the roof of our minivan to get the best view of the fireworks.
As the bursts of color lit up the sky beyond their silhouettes, I intentionally captured a mental snapshot. I might title it Glee, Wonder, or Innocence. Or maybe Friendship—because that’s what my girls have now. My sister and I weren't so lucky.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what fosters lasting bonds.
And as often happens, when you ask, you receive. That morning, my favorite yoga teacher shared a poem during savasana. She’s a quiet preacher, weaving words from modern poets she finds on Instagram —Andrea Gibson, Brianna Wiest, yung pueblo. On that day, it was David Gate, who wrote:
Of course, I teared up.
Because friendship—real friendship—is made of shared understanding and mutual tending. It's built on joy and reconciliation, pain and patience. Sometimes those threads fray. But if we're lucky, and willing, we can mend them—or weave new ones.
Friendship is good for your health. Literally.
It turns out, meaningful connection is one of the strongest predictors of wellbeing and longevity. The U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, has declared loneliness a public health crisis—impacting 1 in 4 people globally. [His 2023 advisory notes that social disconnection is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. PDF.]
Belonging matters.
So does friendliness. Relationship researchers Drs John and Julie Gottman say the secret to lasting love isn’t passion—it's kindness. In their “Love Lab” studies, successful couples demonstrate a relational culture of appreciation over criticism, curiosity over judgment. In other words: they’re friends.
So why is it so hard to be a loyal friend to yourself?
Why do so many people find it easier to be generous with others than with themselves?
Perhaps this has become my life’s work: helping people befriend themselves.
Be Your Own Friend
“Befriending” is my favorite word for self-compassion. After all, wouldn’t you treat a cherished friend with kindness, encouragement, and care? What if you turned that light inward? I also refer to this as inner humanity—caring for all parts of you.
Inner Humanity is a wellspring of self-compassion that is a powerful antidote to shame and compassion for others, which helps you forge meaningful relationships.
In my book The Perfectionist’s Dilemma, a young lawyer named Daria asks, “Can we really see ourselves as a friend? Is that even possible?”
It is possible. But it can feel awkward, even absurd, at first.
That’s why I love facilitating perfectionism workshops and groups—because people help each other see their own goodness. They realize they’re not alone with their harsh inner critics. And something beautiful happens: they begin to encourage each other.
The shift isn’t just mental—it’s energetic. Whether online or in person, you can feel the moment someone starts relating to themselves differently. Their whole vibe lightens. Life feels brighter.
Question: Have you ever thought about befriending the person you spend every moment with—yourself?
Five Ways to Cultivate Friendship (Including with Yourself)
If you believe, as I do, that what you pay attention to grows stronger, then making and keeping friends is about attention. Where is yours going?
If it’s locked onto your to-do list, work deadlines, or the comforting hum of autopilot (hello, streaming queue), real connection might fall by the wayside. But if you begin to gently place your attention on the people who matter—and even on befriending yourself—you might be surprised by what begins to grow.
And it’s worth it. Friendship isn’t just nice to have—it’s a core ingredient in human health and happiness. Research from Brigham Young University shows that strong social relationships increase your likelihood of longevity by 50%—more than exercising regularly or quitting smoking. Friendship helps regulate stress, buffer pain, and promote emotional and even physical healing. That’s not just science; that’s magic.
So here’s your invitation: to tend to your connections, both outward and inward. Because the friendship you extend to yourself matters too. Applying the same kindness, patience, and forgiveness you offer others can help soothe the inner critic, release old hurts, and shift lifelong patterns of self-judgment. It’s one of the most transformative practices I’ve seen in my work—and my life.
Here are five ways to explore and expand your friendships, starting now:
Name your ride-or-dies. As poet David Gate suggests, who would bring you soup without hesitation if you were sick or struggling? Who texts just to check in or celebrates your wins like their own? Name those people and cherish them.
Send a meaningful thank-you note. Let someone know exactly why they matter to you. If they’re no longer here, write to them anyway. The act of remembering and expressing can be healing in itself.
Reconnect. Call or message a friend you’ve been meaning to reach out to. The best time to rekindle connection is always sooner than later.
Share stories. Next time you're with family or friends, open a conversation about meaningful friendships—past or present. What lessons did they leave behind? What laughter? What love?
Practice self-appreciation. Write down five things you genuinely appreciate about yourself. Bonus: share them with someone you trust, and invite them to do the same. Prompt: Something I appreciate about myself is…
As I watch my daughters—now young women—show up for each other in real, beautiful ways, I’m filled with gratitude. Their sisterhood is one of the greatest joys of my life to witness. And it reminds me that connection is a legacy we pass on. We model it in small, daily ways. And we offer it to ourselves, too.
Because sometimes, the friend we most need to rediscover… is ourselves.
Question: When was the last time you felt deeply seen by a friend—or by yourself?
Keep Exploring
If this topic speaks to you, you might love these books:
📘 Friendship by Lydia Denworth
📘 The Other Significant Others by Rhaina Cohen
📘 For Small Creatures Such As We by Sasha Sagan
And if you’re ready to befriend the person you spend every moment with—you—come find more at The Peaceful Perfectionist.
iStock Image credit: EyeEm Mobile GmbH
Personal photo ©2025 Tara Cousineau
@Dr. Tara Cousineau - "What if the most important friendship is the one you have with yourself?"
"Perhaps this has become my life’s work: helping people befriend themselves."
You and I, in many ways, are kindred spirits. I appreciate you writing this article and asking the question to begin with - and then helping us "sit down with ourselves to go about answering it."