A Definition of Perfectionism
It's Messier Than You Think, And More Lovable
Perfectionism. It’s not your fault.
Take it from a recovering perfectionist.
Many excellent definitions of perfectionism exist in the psychology literature (summarized in my book The Perfectionist’s Dilemma.) Usually, they land on unrealistic ideals, rigid mindsets, and compensatory behaviors. Various assessments tease out a milieu of characteristics and factors, which can be helpful when looking at perfectionism trends, identifying correlates (like the introduction of smart phones and social media), and identify predictors of distress and well-being. No surprise that perfectionism correlates with anxiety, depression, and eating disorders.
Yet, sitting face to face with students in a harried counseling center or in the quiet of private practice, the toll perfectionism takes is hardly abstract. It is heartbreaking to witness. Harsh inner critical narratives. Rejection sensitivity. Comparison. Overthinking. Societal demands with ever increasing and impossible goals for beauty, wealth, and success. The pressure lingers in the air and the energy feels dense and contracted.
And so I’ve come around to my own description:
Perfectionism is the paradox created by the need for belonging—and fear of rejection—paired with unrealistic expectations for achievement and approval that sap your energy or life force.
I know it all too well from personal experience. It was the triple whammy for me.
Raised by a German mom who instilled the values of organization and efficiency, for better and worse.
The Catholic Church edict: We are all born sinners.
My own pursuit of education as a defense against the “dark parts” (my inner critics).
The Compare and Despair Trap
It’s one thing to have to prove yourself at home. It’s another to have to prove yourself to the world.
Thank goodness I didn’t have a smartphone as a kid. We just had a different version of age-old ranking and rating behavior. The snarky boys holding up numbers from 1 to 10 as girls walked into the middle school cafeteria. Modern technology just amps things up, the good and the bad. Most of us feel the pressure to please, perform, perfect and produce — and younger people are more vulnerable than ever.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving to be better, do better, and feel better. We learn by watching others. Striving for excellence in school, sports, career, and life can be noble pursuits—with a balanced approach.
Perfectionism can be motivating, especially when it works for many years (like getting straight As, blue ribbons, acquiring status, or an impressive resume). It’s worn like a badge of honor by many. At some point, however, the negative affects can accrue to the point of a kind of personal bankruptcy. Exhaustion. Anxiety. Depression. Tension. Stress. Burnout. Illness. Emotional isolation. Loneliness. Inertia.
Perfectionism’s Point of Diminishing Returns
I will never forget a conversation with a man, a banker, seeking therapy who had recently turned 50. The economic crash of 2008 had stripped him of his career in finance. He hit rock bottom. His voice quivered over the phone, “I worked so hard to make money and have a successful career. I got what I wanted. Now I have nothing. I see my friends and their kids are going to college. College! I missed my chance at a relationship and family because my career took priority. Two decades gone and for what? I have so many regrets.” I know this story sounds cliché. But this was exactly what he said. My heart ached for him. I offered him a sliding scale. He never followed up.
The banker still haunts me.
Perfectionism can sap your life force.
The perfectionist’s dilemma manifests throughout your being in different ways:
At the body level, perfectionism is an energetic survival pattern intimately tied into sensory experiences to avoid pain and seek pleasure—especially to evade exclusion from the circle of humanity and a quest to optimize acceptance, belonging, and love.
At the heart level, perfectionism ignites momentary disruptions in your heart alchemy—considered sacred and powerful in many spiritual and healing traditions—and invites you to cultivate the heart qualities of courage and self-compassion.
At the mind level, perfectionism is a conditioned algorithm and an exaggerated fear of rejection and disconnection that gives rise to self-protective inner critical parts, which yearn for kindness and healing.
At the spirit level, perfectionism is a veil obscuring your true essence and soul purpose. Yet your unique spiritual vibration continually seeks to illuminate your natural wellspring of inner strengths and guides and is just waiting for you to recognize this powerful source of subtle energy.
When it comes down to it perfectionism is protection—for me, the banker, and many others. It kept me out of trouble, ignited a people-pleasing compulsion as a do-gooder, and kept me focused on education as a ticket out of a broken home. The banker believed reaching some pinnacle of financial achievement would ensure his happiness. All of us want to feel worthy of our existence.
The truth is no one is immune from some element of perfectionism—or, more broadly, fears of “never enough.” Really, it’s not your fault.
I’ve come around to looking at perfectionism with what I call “kindsight”—viewing life experiences with tenderness and understanding.
If perfectionism is part of your life experience just know that you are not alone. A more holistic mind-body understanding of perfectionism allows for compassion for the role it serves (or served) in your life. You can strive for excellence with greater ease and joy.
I hope you will find The Peaceful Perfectionist as a salve to the limiting, never enough beliefs, attitudes and habits can that obscure your bright light.
The world needs you.
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