Self-Compassion 101 | Overcoming Resistance to Being Kind to Yourself

Part 4 in a Series of 5 Articles on Self-Compassion

One of the central themes in my work is helping individuals navigate their inner critic—the relentless voice that fuels self-doubt, imposter feelings, and perfectionism. In my workshops on befriending the inner critic and overcoming perfectionism through self-compassion, I emphasize how self-compassionate practices can mitigate this harsh inner narrative. Research over the past two decades has shown that these practices are not only effective but also significantly reduce anxiety and depression while fostering self-confidence and resilience.

The challenge, however, is that many people struggle to embrace self-compassion. The cultural and personal narratives they’ve internalized often make it feel unnatural, even indulgent. The idea of standing in front of a mirror and saying, "I love you, man" or "I am beautiful on the inside and out" feels inauthentic or even impossible. That’s why the key to cultivating a compassionate inner voice lies in using language that feels real and relatable.

One exercise I use involves mapping out the critical voice. I provide a worksheet where individuals list their self-critical thoughts—phrases like, "You're so dumb," "You're a fraud," or "You'll never make it." Then, we pause to ask: "Is there any way this voice is trying to help you?"

This question often stops people in their tracks. Many begin to realize that their inner critic emerged as a way to push them forward, to ensure they stay on task or avoid failure. For others, they see how it was a coping strategy from childhood that made sense back then, but not so much as a grown up. Yet, when asked how this voice makes them feel, the answer is almost always: "Terrible. I hate it."

This paradox is crucial to understand. The inner critic is trying to help, but in a way that harms. Naming it can be a helpful step—whether it’s "Judge Judy," "The Mean Coach," "The Bully," or even "Monica" (for those who relate to the hyper-organized Friends character). By identifying it as a separate entity, individuals can begin to shift their relationship with it.

But the next step is equally important: calling on an inner voice of kindness. Instead of replacing self-criticism with generic affirmations, we frame them in direct response to the inner critic. One student I worked with, feeling lost and directionless, found comfort in the phrase, "I am finding my way." Another discovered the power of an "Even though" statement: "Even though I'm struggling, I accept myself." These statements bridge the gap between self-criticism and self-compassion, making them more accessible.

Understanding Resistance: The Backdraft Effect

Despite these tools, resistance to self-compassion is common. It can feel like a foreign language—unfamiliar and even threatening. Some fear that without their inner critic, they will lose motivation or become complacent. They equate self-compassion with "letting themselves off the hook" rather than recognizing it as a way to manage stress and sustain long-term effort.

Dr. Christopher Germer, a psychologist and co-developer of Mindful Self-Compassion, offers a powerful metaphor to explain this resistance: Backdraft. Borrowing from firefighting terminology, backdraft occurs when a fire has been burning in an enclosed space. If a firefighter suddenly opens a door or window, the influx of oxygen can intensify the flames.

Similarly, when individuals who have been harshly self-critical for years begin to introduce self-compassion, they might experience an emotional backlash—an initial worsening of self-judgment, discomfort, or fear. It can feel unsafe, as if kindness might make them vulnerable to failure or disappointment.

The key is to approach self-compassion gradually, much like a firefighter carefully opening a window just enough to let in controlled oxygen without fueling an inferno. Instead of diving headfirst into self-compassion, individuals can start small—acknowledging their resistance, experimenting with gentle self-talk, or practicing mindful self-kindness in small, manageable ways. Over time, as self-compassion becomes more familiar, it can become a powerful tool for resilience and well-being.

Looking Ahead

A helpful way to practice being kind is to tuck yourself in a loving kindness meditation. LKM practices have been—not surprisingly!—studied as a beneficial intervention. This type of meditation allows you to experience self-compassion in a way that feels safe and grounding–and ultimately includes experiencing warm wishes toward all of humanity. We’ll explore that in Part 5, the final installment.

More from the Self-Compassion 101 Series

Part 1: What is Self-Compassion?

Part 2: Building Self-Compassion Into Daily Life

Part 3: Befriending The Inner Critic

Part 5: The Power of Loving-Kindness Meditation (Audio)

Illustration Image Credit: stellalevi