The Inner Critic Deserves Some Respect

A Counterintuitive and Courageous Approach to Perfectionism

iStock Credit: AF-studio

I have the pleasure of teaching several workshops series to Harvard University students, Overcoming Perfectionism Through Self-Compassion and Befriend the Inner Critic. All told, an 8-hour workshop is not much time. Yet spread over a month or two, continuity is cultivated just by showing up. Certain ideas begin to sink in. This series became the foundation for my book, The Perfectionist's Dilemma: Learn the Art of Self-Compassion and Become a Happy Achiever.

Over time, I saw firsthand how perfectionism plays out in students’ lives and the strategies that help them break free.

We’re all pretty good scriptwriters, actors, producers, and directors of our own mental movies. It’s quite an impressive skill set—though often misapplied. Here’s the thing:

We can recruit our imagination for our benefit or for harm.

In my work with students, it has been useful, and actually fun, to name the inner critic. I even have a third chair in my office for it to join us. My students are incredibly creative. For instance:

One young woman realized her inner voice was like the character “Monica” from Friends—tightly wound up about every detail. Her inner Monica would pipe up whenever she felt out of control with schoolwork, leading her to find every excuse to tidy up or fix something.

Another student realized that his compulsion to join every opportunity or club to “optimize his resume” was really about a fear of missing that one key experience that might secure his dream internship. He was chronically exhausted. He called his inner critic "FOMO."

One of my favorites was a student who realized that her perfectionism, which caused paralyzing anxiety and an inability to let herself socialize or have fun, was "robbing her of joy." She called her inner critic “Mooch.”

Think about it—whether it’s an inner bully, a Judge Judy, or a Nagging Ned, what might your inner voice be protecting you from?

It’s probably the usual (and very human) suspects: failure, rejection, or shame.

But here’s the shift: instead of treating this voice as an enemy, we can learn to acknowledge it, even befriend it, and then turn down its volume. We can assure it, “Hey, I’ve got this,” or “I’m going to try something different this time.” Practicing self-compassion in moments of failure, rejection, or self-doubt is a radical and necessary act.

In The Perfectionist’s Dilemma, I talk about the importance of failing forward with self-compassion and empathy. Psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar in The Pursuit of Perfect advises us to “practice failure.” I say, embrace it with kindness. Over time, you’ll learn that you are stronger than you think you are.

Turn Toward the Resistance

There is resistance, I assure you, in embracing failure. That’s why, in addition to cultivating resilience, it is essential to have a soft heart.

How? By giving more airtime to the wise and kind voice inside you. Just like learning any new skill, this takes practice. It also helps to have a supportive community—like the students who showed up for my workshops and inspired my book.

You can create messages of kindness to meditate on and repeat, which calms your body and nurtures goodwill toward yourself. This is not letting yourself off the hook—it’s essential for encouragement in the face of challenges. We all need to care for and coach the parts of ourselves that feel scared, vulnerable, or overly critical, as if they were friends in need.

The instructions for creating these mini-scripts are inspired by the Mindful Self-Compassion method:

• Be clear.

• Be authentic and true to your experience.

• Use a kind tone.

Whenever you need bolstering, you can craft a message by asking yourself: “What do I need to feel calm in my body?” or “How can I bring kindness or courage to this moment?”

The answers are typically universal human needs: belonging, connection, encouragement, love, patience, protection, respect, validation, and well-being.

Here are some self-kindness kickstarters:

• I am strong. I’ve got this.

• I hold myself gently.

• I love myself just as I am.

• I trust in myself.

• I am here for me, I am here for you.

• I am enough.

• Even though this feels hard, I will be kind toward myself.

• I am beginning to feel love and kindness expand.

• I will be okay.

• This [fear] will pass.

Your self-kindness statements can change over time. Try them on for size, even if they feel awkward at first. A wise inner voice might remind you, “This is how you take care of yourself. It may take some getting used to!”

My goal in both my workshops and The Perfectionist’s Dilemma is to start a conversation about the tight hold unhealthy perfectionism can have, how to understand its purpose without self-judgment, and ways to rewire one’s perception and nervous system for greater acceptance, calm, and well-being. We need to shine a light on our fears of failure and rejection to offset the false lure of perfectionistic behavior.

Perfectionism is persistent—and exhausting. We all fall into this trap to some extent because our culture highly values ratings and rankings. But we don’t have to live this way. Observing the negative mind loop is a first step in breaking free.

When you tune in to your inner narrative, you may be surprised at how demeaning or demanding these voices are. (Try tuning in for 10 minutes and writing down the words or stream of consciousness.) The inner critic deserves acknowledgment, but it doesn’t belong on center stage. Instead, the wise voice—the one that recognizes your worth beyond achievement—deserves the lead role.

The more you practice this shift, the more you’ll see that perfectionism is not a requirement for success. You don’t have to hustle for worthiness. You already are enough.

iStock Image Credit: AF-studio