Out of Your Head, Into Your Power
Reclaiming Presence and Energy when Perfectionism Takes Over
This post is adapted from my book, The Perfectionist’s Dilemma, Chapter 4. Subscribe and stay tuned for my upcoming digital course: Rewire Your Inner Critic: Transform Self-Doubt Into Self-Leadership.
No two perfectionists are alike, even if certain ways of thinking, feeling, or behaving get distilled down to a caricature—the snobby, know-it-all, controlling, and uptight made- for-TV persona such as Aubrey in Pitch Perfect, Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory, Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada, and Dr. Frasier Crane in Frasier.
Rather than a fixed identity, perfectionism is more like a kaleidoscope comprised of intelligence, idiosyncrasies, beauty, longing, and mystery, peppered with core beliefs about worthiness, lovability, and belonging. The image can shift with moment to moment changes that happen in response to conversations with others, the demands of getting through a day, or your own expectations.
When I meet with a perfectionist, it’s as if I see an abstract Picasso portrait. There is a blend of complexities that by turns obscure and illuminate subtle qualities about their needs and desires for a meaningful life. They are also often all “neck up.”
If you have perfectionist tendencies, you likely use a lot of brain power on overthinking and analyzing. You may realize that you are not quite embodied, by which I simply mean connected to your body. If I were to take a traditional talk therapy approach about your struggles with perfectionism, we would likely only reinforce the ruminating mind and the old stories.
So my approach is to nudge perfectionists back into their bodies. This means creating a connection, or an energetic conduit, from the head, the heart, and all the way down to the tippy toes. When this connection is established and energy is flowing, you can enjoy the stability that comes from being grounded. You can unlock stuck energy and experience a range of emotions and sensations—the most important one being trusting yourself.
Becoming embodied is a wonderful development. But it can be very challenging.
When Stress and the Inner Critic Collide
After one perfectionism workshop, a young lawyer named Daria lingered. “How do you know when it’s your inner critic that’s causing stress, or when stress spikes the inner critic?” she asked. “Do I just breathe, or recite some affirmation?” she added, half-sarcastically.
Good question. She was looking for neat categories, a map that could tell her what to do. But what she was avoiding was paying attention to her current physical state.
Asher, a PhD student in astrophysics, spoke next. He lived with chronic back pain after a near-fatal biking accident and worried he might never finish his dissertation. “My head is saying, ‘Keep going,’ but my body says, ‘Hell, no.’ I feel like people see me as a wimp. Now I feel like an imposter.”
Reed, an MBA graduate starting his first finance job, joined in. “I checked every box on the burnout list—exhaustion, no motivation, disconnection. I didn’t even know that’s what it was. I wake up facing a fourteen-hour day and ask myself, Why bother?”
All three, in their own way, were in nervous system collapse—stuck, depleted, frozen. This may sound like bad news, but it’s actually good news. Awareness means change has already begun. (See article, The Perfectionism Matrix)
Being Aware of the Present Moment
The first step in any desire for change is noticing. No judging. Just being aware. This may sound easy enough, but it can be quite challenging to move from criticism to curiosity.
Yet when you begin to be curious, you tap your inner humanity. You begin to understand that those inner critical voices beating you up are thought patterns, memories, or old beliefs. Sometimes they cut, like carving your name into a tree.
Sometimes that wound disturbs the flow of nutrients the tree needs to flourish. Eventually bark grows over the initial wound. We aren’t so different. Inner algorithms of judgment are well-worn incisions. They can hold a very deep groove in the nervous system. These wounds block energy flow.
That’s not an optimal situation!
Yet, when blocked energy is released it transforms into healing. Noticing those cuts, then, is the first step toward freedom. It may feel uncomfortable at first. That’s OK.
A Quick Body Check-In
Find a moment to pause and notice your body from head to toe. Take a few deep, cleansing breaths. Ask yourself:
What is my body telling me right now?
Where do I notice my breathing to be flowing most freely?
What’s the quality of my breathing?
Where do I sense my heartbeat?
Where is there a sense of strain or tightness?
Where is there lightness and ease?
That’s it. Just noticing, without judgment.
This is the heart of mindfulness practice: a gentle return to the present moment, again and again.
“But My Mind Is Too Busy…”
Many perfectionists resist mindfulness. Daria’s tiresome quip, “Do I just breathe?” speaks to this. Or, people try an app, feel frustrated, and conclude,
My mind is too busy.
I can’t empty my thoughts.
It’s scary inside my brain.
It’s just not for me.
I don’t have time.
All valid. Your mind is busy. You can’t empty your thoughts. Your narratives will time travel to the past and project into the future. It can be a nightmare when you actually peek into the latest mind movie that’s playing, especially if you’ve also been experiencing a dip in mood.
The reason it might not have worked for you is that you likely paired an expectation with the first attempt of practice. And then you judged yourself. How perfectionistic of you!
Decades of research studies show that mindfulness and meditation have positive benefits—and potentially lasting ones when you lead your daily life with the compassionate awareness that these practices help you foster. Think of being mindful as you might think about fitness, and meditation like exercise. One is the ability, the other is the method. In order to get fit, it helps to do repetitions of specific kinds of physical activities.
Twelve minutes a day of mindfulness practice is enough to improve attention, memory, mood, and even relationships. And it doesn’t have to be perfect.
If twelve minutes feels daunting, start with three. Or three minutes, four times a day. Waiting for the kettle, standing in the shower, sitting in traffic, walking the dog. Start small. Keep going.
Types of Mindful Practice
There are many ways to practice mindfulness. Here are a few you might try:
Body scan
Breath focus
Compassion or loving-kindness meditations
Gentle yoga
Gratitude practice
Mantra or sound meditations
Mindful eating or walking
Open awareness
Pick one or two that appeal to you. What matters most is the act of consistently returning to presence. Once you begin to notice, it makes space to try other ways to keep the energy flowing and the critic at peace (such self-compassion practices, parts work, and emotional freedom technique).
If you struggle with perfectionism, the first step isn’t to silence your critic or fix yourself. The way through is simpler: pause, notice, and come back to your body. Each time you do, you reclaim a little more presence, energy, and self-trust.
To support you in this practice, I’ve recorded short guided meditations you can listen to anytime you need grounding. You’ll find them here on The Peaceful Perfectionist.
So many comments I want to say but will simply just let you know im saving this post to read again and again- this is the type of reminders and education I need as someone with ocpd. My lack of awareness to my body eventually cost me a disassociation event that changed my life. Such great tips, advice, and reframes. Thank you again sincerely for sharing