What perfectionism really is and why it hides behind your best qualities

The difference between healthy striving and the kind that quietly drains you

Jul 15, 2026

Hi Friends, I was recently asked to answer some questions about perfectionism, and I'm sharing the short video and transcript here. Some of you are new to my publication — welcome! My weekly articles explore perfectionism, the inner critic, and finding more peace and joy in a world that demands too much.

Hi. I’m Tara Cousineau. I’m a psychologist and author of The Perfectionist’s Dilemma. Much of my work is with people who suffer from the negative effects of perfectionism. So this is a topic that is close to my heart. And also because I continue to work on being “a happy achiever” myself, which speaks to the going practice of learning to be kinder to one self.

If I ask you whether you’re a perfectionist, you might say one of three things. Either:

“Oh, absolutely — it’s actually kind of my superpower.”
“Maybe? I beat myself up a lot when I try to achieve something.
“Well, I have high standards, but I don’t think I’m a perfectionist. I like to think I roll with things.”

There is definitely a range.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism, as researchers define it, isn’t just caring about doing good work. It’s a particular pattern where your sense of worth becomes tied to your performance — and where mistakes feel like verdicts, not just information.

There’s a spectrum here. On one end, you have what some researchers call “excellencism” — a genuine drive to do meaningful, high-quality work. That’s healthy. You can be ambitious, hard-working, and care deeply about what you do without it eating you alive.

On the other end, you have perfectionism in its more painful form: the relentless self-evaluation, the fear of failure so big it causes procrastination or overwork, the impossibly high standards applied not just to what you do but to who you are. Think of it this way:

Excellence energizes. Perfectionism exhausts.

The perfectionist asks, “What if I fail?”

The healthy achiever asks, “What can I learn?”

The sneaky thing is that perfectionism often masquerades as a virtue. “I just have high standards.” “I care about quality.” “I want to do my best.” “Who would I be without it?”

And those things can be true. But there’s a particular sign that striving for excellence has tipped into something less helpful, into the slippery slope of perfectionism: it’s when the fear of not being good enough is driving your behavior more than genuine love of the work.

Another sign? When you can’t enjoy what you’ve accomplished — you hit a goal, and almost immediately your inner critic is pointing to what’s next, or what wasn’t quite right, or how someone else did it better.

Or, when you find yourself burned out. So I have my own definition of perfectionism.

Perfectionism is the paradox created by the need for belonging— and fear of rejection— paired with unrealistic expectations for achievement and approval that sap your energy or life force.

When the negative effects of perfectionism accrue, you feel exhausted and your body will let you know when enough is enough.

Where does perfectionism come from?

Perfectionism doesn’t come from nowhere. It tends to develop in people who grew up in environments where love, approval, or safety felt conditional — even subtly so. Some people are more sensitive than others, and there is a heritability factor too. Or, perfectionism can be a response to a culture that says: your value equals your productivity. More is better. Failure is not an option.

Researcher Thomas Curran makes a compelling case that perfectionism is rising across generations, driven even more by a socio-economic culture that keeps moving the bar higher and higher without safety nets. It’s not just about social media and social comparison. It’s living in a culture that says you can only be safe and successful if you have a house, make a ton of money, are debt free, and look amazing at every stage and age in your life.

So if you recognize this in yourself? You’re not alone. And it’s not your fault.

Is striving always bad?

No — not always. The drive toward excellence is a real human gift. The goal isn’t to become someone who doesn’t care, who stops trying, who gives everything a C-plus and calls it good enough.

The goal is to pursue excellence from a different internal place — from curiosity and engagement and love of growth, rather than from fear of being found lacking or making mistakes. The only way we really ever learn anything meaningful is by trying and failing and trying again. In other words the goal isn’t lower standards. The goal is freedom from impossible standards.

That shift changes everything.

If any of this is landing, here is something to journal on. I’d encourage you to just sit with one question:

“Am I striving toward something, or running from something?”

The answer to that question tells you a lot.

Let’s close with a mini practice to help quiet perfectionist thinking when you find yourself in a phase of pleasing, perfecting, performing or producing.

Step 1: Pause. Take a few slow breaths, extending the exhales.
Step 2: Notice. Notice your feet on the floor and your body in your space.
Step 3: Name. “What am I afraid will happen if I ease up?”
Step 4: Nurture. Place a hand on your heart, if willing, or cross your arms over your belly — a secret self hug. Say to yourself — or to the part that is in overdrive:

“I don’t need to be perfect to be worthy. I can do this imperfectly. Progress is enough for today. It’s safe to rest. ”

Small reps over time will begin to build inner strengths of compassion, confidence and contentment.

You can also learn more on my About page and see more videos on my Insight Timer teacher profile.

Related Topics