Reconnecting High Achievers with Their Bodies
A Simple Strategy to Connect Your Head and Your Heart
Perfectionism is Protection
“She came to the workshop—early 40s, a mother of two, grad student,
in the in-between of leaving one life and not yet arriving at the next.
She was harried. She couldn’t attend every session. But when she did, she said:
“When you shared that perfectionism is protection, something shifted.
I haven’t stopped thinking about it every single day since.
I stopped wearing makeup a month ago.”
And just like that—in one breath—she let us in.
Her vulnerability was quiet and unassuming, but it moved the room.
You could feel every other person (younger, watching) and me (older, listening) shift with her.
Sometimes a student arrives ready for a teacher—but it’s the student who becomes the teacher.
So I ask you—
What are you protecting yourself from?”
~ Tara Cousineau, PhD
In my years working with high-achieving clients—from Harvard students to corporate executives—I've noticed a pattern that might sound familiar to you. These bright, driven individuals come into my office, minds racing with thoughts, analysis, and solutions. They've already diagnosed their problem, confess to perfectionism, and are looking for the quickest fix. "Help me solve this," they say, eager to check "therapy" off their to-do list and move on to the next challenge.
My immediate, energetic experience is that a "talking head" just floated in—they are disconnected from the neck down. Upon further inquiry, it becomes evident that I need to help them discover a way to connect their head with their heart. But for many, that endeavor feels dangerous because it means identifying feelings that they have successfully pushed away in all their striving.
And it's not their fault.
When Protection Becomes Visible
The client in the opening poem—a working mother pursuing a graduate degree while transitioning careers—attended my perfectionism workshops. I'll call her Eva. Eva had spent decades presenting herself as completely "buttoned up" to the world. She was making a big change in her life and felt uncertain about herself as she embarked on a very different path. Something clicked with her about "perfectionism as protection" and Eva began to notice her tension and anxiety about seemingly little things: having a picture-perfect yard, kids in the right schools, being buttoned-up in every aspect of her life. (I could relate.)
But these weren't little things. A part of her worked very hard to be impeccable. This was her operating plan for much of her life. After a few weeks of her aha moment, Eva reported that she'd been wearing makeup daily since she was 14 years old. It was one armor against criticism. At this stage in her life, Eva was annoyed about it. When she made the connection that her self-presentation perfectionism was simply protection, something remarkable happened—she stopped wearing makeup (except for job interviews) and felt liberated.
This wasn't just about cosmetics or some post-feminist recognition. She stopped caring so much about whether others judged her as she began to befriend that 14-year-old part of herself. Something surprising happened: she noticed that her impeccable part began to relax. She didn't spend so much time on pulling herself together for an invisible audience. And for the first time, she could recognize how her nervous system had adapted to a constant state of high alert. She directed compassion toward her younger part.
The Early Origins of Perfectionism
This recognition that perfectionism is a mind-body solution to prevent rejection can resonate for others, especially in a group. Another younger client in the same workshop who was pursuing a leadership degree struggled with "putting herself out there." An inquiry unfolded:
When did this show up?
How long has this fear been around?
She recalled a third-grade teacher questioning why she hadn't done better on a math quiz. This seemingly small moment, a dagger to her little heart, had shaped her academic striving for years—a strategy that had served her well academically but at great personal cost. "Oh, so my younger part is still there holding me back because it doesn't want to feel ashamed? That really makes sense."
I get to the nitty gritty of this in The Perfectionist’s Dilemma. But the simple truth is that perfectionism serves us well… until it doesn’t.
When Your Nervous System Adapts to Stress
Many perfectionists don't recognize their anxiety as anxiety anymore. Their bodies have adjusted to chronically elevated stress levels, making that state feel normal. When I suggest they practice calming skills or self-care, they look at me like I've suggested they stop breathing. "I can't do that," they insist.
They're not being difficult—their physiology has literally adapted to high cortisol levels. The body becomes accustomed to operating in a fight/flight mode with stress hormones flooding the system. It's like living with your foot permanently pressed on the gas pedal. Ask someone in this state to take a nap, and they'll likely be frustrated or even angry at the suggestion. They have too much at stake!
Beyond Traditional Solutions
Moreover, mindfulness isn't the answer either. At least not yet. As a mindfulness teacher, I've learned that traditional meditation practices often fail with perfectionists. Their minds are already so busy that even a three-minute mindfulness exercise becomes just another opportunity to fail. "My mind's too busy. I can't do this. I'm not good at meditation," they conclude, reinforcing their perfectionistic beliefs.
The path forward isn't through more thinking or analyzing or watching thoughts float by. Your body holds the wisdom needed to break the perfectionism cycle. So tending to the body is a good place to start.
One Tool to Begin Your Reconnection
Next, I demonstrate the one somatic technique (video) that helps my clients regulate their nervous systems enough to connect with their perfectionist part, thereby inviting in a new way to relate to it.
(Come to monthly virtual office hours with your inner critic and you can learn with me!)